Handling Difficult Behaviors
What do grandparents miss most after grandchildren come to live with them? The answer is always the same. They miss being a grandparent.
Before the move, grandparents were free to spoil their grandchildren. Now, they are the ones who have to keep those children in line. That's not nearly as much fun. It's also hard work.
For one thing, parenting styles have changed a lot since grandparents raised their own children. "Time outs" are in. Spanking is out. Switching gears takes a lot of energy and patience. So does keeping tabs on curious little ones who find trouble at every turn. Grandparents aren't as young as they used to be. That becomes painfully obvious when they try to chase after a toddler or keep a teenager in check.
Guiding youngsters through life can also be emotionally draining. Grandparents may be at a loss when it comes to dealing with the mental health issues that trouble their grandchildren. These children are so young. Yet many of them have already lived through more trauma than some adults face in a lifetime. They feel alone and unloved. And they have needs that other kids don't share.
This kind of trauma can change children. They may act differently than they used to. They may be angry or anxious. They could be aggressive or withdrawn. At the same time, they may need more comfort and understanding from the adults in their lives.
Grandparent caregivers must be strong enough to set firm limits for these children. They also need to be tender enough to offer plenty of praise and encouragement. It's a delicate balance. Getting it right would be hard for even the best parent.
Parenting Troubled Kids
What do grandchildren need from the grandparents who are raising them?
- Grandchildren need positive reinforcement. Patting children on the back when they do something good can inspire them to do more good things. It can also help them feel good about themselves.
- Grandchildren need consistency. It's best to set ground rules that are clear. That way there are no questions about what is right and what is wrong. Do your best to enforce those rules in the same way every day.
- Grandchildren need to feel safe. If you have to punish them, do it calmly. Do not use physical or emotional violence.
- Grandchildren need to know you care. Make sure they know that their bad behaviors will never make you stop loving them.
Behaviors You Can't Control
Are you having trouble getting through to a grandchild? Do your efforts at discipline fail time after time? Your grandchild could have a condition that you can't control. He or she may need help from others.
Some medical disorders can cause a child's behavior to change. If you think this is happening to your grandchild, talk to your health care providers. They can screen your grandchild. The child may have a behavior disorder, a mood disorder or an anxiety disorder. If so, medication and therapy may work. See the child's doctor or mental health provider. Don't wait to get help. Most disorders are easier to treat when you catch them early.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Behavior disorders are common in children who are being raised by grandparents. One of the most common is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Children with ADHD can't control the way they act. They can't sit still. They have trouble focusing and completing tasks. They forget things. They interrupt others. They speak or act without thinking. These children are usually very bright. But they have a hard time doing well in school. They also have a hard time making friends.
ADHD seems to run in families. Some experts think that people with ADHD may not have the right amount of some chemicals in their brains. These chemicals help people pay attention. Others believe that children can get ADHD if their mothers drink alcohol or use drugs when they are pregnant. |
